Saturday, August 04, 2012

Baby, You're A Bitch, Man

I may or may not have gotten a Facebook page recently. If I did, it would definitely not be under my actual name; nor would any of my friends know about it.

Though it would confirm everything I've ever suspected or felt about the entire culture of Facebook.

A long time ago, in December of 2004, I decided it might be okay to jump on a trend. That kind of shit is rare for me. Not because I am such an iconoclast; but really more because I hate new shit. So, back then, I signed up for Myspace.

It was okay, for awhile, though I clearly was too old/set in my ways to see the point of it. My fascination soon cooled to the level of "oh, right, I have a Myspace page!"-kind of mindset, which seemed to happen less and less as time went on.

I tried to embrace Myspace; but, even for someone as narcissistic as I, it just seemed a bit like jerking off in an intersection while wearing a pinwheel hat.

No one needs to see that.

In time, Myspace and I grew ever more estranged; and I think it was fine by both of us. We did not miss one another.

Then I found Twitter; and, to be honest, my reaction to it has been mixed. On one hand, I fucking love the immediate access to those who are just riffing their asses off. It can seem, at times, like one big room full of writers and comedians, each and all throwing out their best shit and seeing what sticks.

"Great!", thought I; but, the results have been lackluster to say the least. I'd like to say that it's because the world doesn't get me; but, even with the obvious clannish anti-outsider nature Twit comics exhibit, maybe my idea of what is funny just does nothing for those on the rungs above me.

Which brings us back to Facebook.

Though I really enjoyed "The Social Network", I have pretty much hated Facebook from the very first time friends told me about it. I dunno, maybe I am too old and stodgy a crank to get it; but, from the get go, everything I ever heard or saw about Facebook hit me like a cheese grater across the face:

Farmville. Pokes. Likes. Pictures of children doing lame staged bullshit things set up by their drunken, attention-seeking parents. Etc.

The "Wall".

Kill me...

Having had some time to formulate what some might misinterpret as an ill-informed opinion on Facebook, I think the things I hate most are the lame pictures of children doing "hip" things Mom and stepdad stage up; and the whole culture of the "like".

The first part of that is easy enough to explain from my end: Not everyone (insert Jerry Sandusky joke here) is in love with children, period. Count me firmly in that group. If I had had kids, I know I'd have been a good parent; and would've loved my kids to the point where they might not have run off to be underage prostitues, hopefully.

But, I didn't have kids for a VERY specific reason: Kids grow up to be...


And, since every other person on the planet saw fit to extend their sometimes dodgy bloodlines and bark 'em out as fast as the stitches would heal, why would I participate in such apocalyptic shenanigans, when pulling out only costs a couple of paper towels or a rewashing of a previously clean t-shirt?

Am I right, ladies?

Yet, Facebook is essentially a dumping ground for all manner of baby/kid bullshit from overproud parents who think they've done something fucking special by barking out a wall-eyed fuckhead whose major talent is falling asleep, on video, after sucking a dozen or so of mommy and daddy's spent wine corks.


While there are, of course, obvious privacy/security breach issues anyone with a brain SHOULD have with Facebook; the main gripe I have is with the culture of the "like".

When someone posts on Facebook a picture of a potted plant, there is now an accepted form of currency they are hoping to receive in return for them favoring you with an image of their chrysanthemums or upside down hanging tomato patch they drunkenly purchased from TV one night at 4:30AM.

The "like".

They want you to like them. Fuck, they'd love you to like them! It pads their stats; which makes them the envy of their friends-- both real, and Facebook friends.

(If you haven't figured it out as yet, Facebook friends are NOT your real friends. Now go hang yourselves if this is in any way news to you...)

But, where the like thing gets me the most is the idea of how it has been used. Originally, the like was used to say more about the person whose image, post or whatever received the like. Now, it's gone all funhouse mirror, and the like is really all about the person who SENDS it to another Facebook user!

EXAMPLE: If you post a picture of your kid in a tiny Plasmatics shirt throwing up gang signs in front of your '74 Vega wagon, what are you asking of us?

You're asking for some sort of weird validation or approval-- ie: "Hey, jerkoff; way to assure your kid hates fags and reading as much as you do!"; but, since the "like" is more generic, you'll settle for the stats, of course...

Meanwhile, on the other side of the equation, there are some truly socially inept desperate idiots, just looking to suck up to anyone who might give them a bit of attention; so, they're naturally gonna "like" the pic of junior going all V13 or Crip in front of your shitmobile.

Which makes you both stupid fucking fucks.

The person seeking the like for stats purposes gets hooked up with a stalker; and the thanks that said stalker perceives only pushes him/her to further explore this realm. They "liked" you; and now they're a part of your life, no matter what the restraining order says.

It is a fucking sick and twisted system.

I may or may not be there; but, if I am, I'm gonna pull the rip cord soon.

Again, people, maybe I am too old to understand just how cool Facebook is. But, having read on it for years, and having observed it from afar during that time, it will take a massive argument to make me think anything other than this:

Facebook serves nothing, other than itself and it's own interests. If your experience has been different, great; you're easily smarter and less paranoid than me.

From what I've seen/read/experienced, Facebook is serving no one other than that little weasel shit guy in the hoodie....

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